Tuesday, November 20, 2007

hmm. i shall blog in eng. o this blog's supposed to be hidden.
anw this is ripped from FIONA's BLOG..cos my situation has always been similar to hers? and she's a GREAT blogger. :)

The nightmare that I've been trying to escape from.

I hate myself for being weak, for being in the state that I am today. Why is it so hard for me to let go, for me to forget? But for certain things, it's not up to us to choose whether or not we forget. In fact, sometimes, the more we try, the harder it is to forget.

Sometimes I question if it's worth it. Two years of suffering, and all for that one month of beauty? The thing is, I don't even know how long this pain will continue to last. The silence between us is unbearable, and makes me even more miserable. The gap between us grows bigger day by day, and in fact, I see no evidence in your life today that I was once a part of your life. What happened to the promises you made me? To always be with me, no matter what could happen in the future? That I could always count on you being there?

It took me a lot of courage before I made an attempt to repair this wreck last night. But after going through all that nerves, what happens next? I didn't hear from you, nothing at all. Here I am, fighting so hard, but it seems like you don't even care.

Maybe to you, I am but a stranger. A stranger who was once a big part of your life, whom you truly treasured, but whom you've forgotten by now. Whom you've left behind in your past. Today, when we pass each other on the streets, we don't even say hello. It's almost as though we never once met, never once talked, never once shared that memory that was so beautiful to hold. If only I could say the same thing for you in my life. Good riddance to bad rubbish, one that brings me so much pain? You don't even have to do anything, don't even have to say a word to me, yet you can make me cry. And then after I'm done I get angry with myself and wonder why I even ought to waste my tears over someone like you.

I look forward to the day when I have no more tears to cry over you, and am able to embrace our memory without shaking, without falling apart. To the day when I can finally walk away from your shadow in my life and walk on, this time, without you by my side. Walk on free, without the shadow of our past coming back to haunt me, to pull me back, to hinder my progress. To the day when I can finally talk about you and say,

"Hey, that's all in the past. I'm thankful for that beautiful experience, but now I'm ready to make more of such beauty again...this time, with people whom I know will really stay for my sake".

But till that day, I'll be waiting..and crying whenever I'm reminded of our past.
A question nags at the back of my head, "Should I even bother?"
And now, with your presence there but not here, I'm wondering if I should try again.
But deep inside, a part of me is afraid to face this bravely. To handle this and clear up the entire issue once and for all. Because if I don't do anything, you'll still be in my life, and I can still hold on to the hope that maybe someday, just maybe, you'll come back. But if I do something, it could possibly be goodbye forever.
Am I ready to say goodbye to your shadow in my life?

o_O